Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Girl woke up in the morning after a party and found an Elephant in bed beside her.

She said:

- I must have been tight last night.

The Elephant said:

- You were the first time but second time wasn't so bad.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

- How'd you get a cork in your ass?

- I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said: I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish. And I said: No shit.

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!'

"I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. Another lady said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.'

"Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'"

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

- Good day, how may we help you today?

Very uncomfortably, she asks:

- Sir, how much does this rug cost?

He answers:

- Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is.

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly:

- Do you sell Viagra here?

The pharmacist answers firmly:

- Yes, sir. We certainly do.

The man then asks:

- Do you think I could get it over the counter?

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says:

- Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might.

Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night:

- Sure - said the farmer - my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 but they're off to college, and I'm all by my self, so I have lots of room to put you up.

Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back towards the highway, and the farmer called after him....

- Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room.

- I heard you - said the salesman - but I think I'm in the wrong joke.

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there:

- Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.

- Great - says Sam - after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.

As Enoch is leaving he stops:

- Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking.

- Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops:

- More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.

Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd.

- Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.

Once again Enoch turns from the door:

- I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

- Now that's not a problem - says Sam - Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says:

- Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled:

- Stop making love down there!

- What's the matter with you? - the husband said when the sailor climbed down.

- We weren't making love.

- Sorry - said the sailor - From up there it looked like you were.

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself:

- By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're makin' love down there!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said:

- I'm off. The man should be here soon

Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

- Good morning, madam. I've come to....

- Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you - Mrs. Smith cut in.

- Really? - the photographer asked.

- Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies

- That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment, she asked, blushing:

- Well, where do we start?

- Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!

- Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me

- Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results

- My, that's a lot of..... - gasped Mrs. Smith.

- Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure

- Don't I know it - Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

- This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London

- Oh my God! - Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

- And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with

- She was difficult? - asked Mrs. Smith.

- Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look

- Four and five deep? - asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

- Yes - the photographer said - And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.

Mrs. Smith leaned forward:

- You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?

- That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.

- Tripod?????

- Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!

Consider the following: Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string!"