Celebrities — best jokes

Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
→ Now it's got two left wings.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

"Will I be acquitted?"

What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
→ The Dodgers.

How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
→ He's got his jogging suit on.

What does Clinton do to lose weight?
→ Runs away from the draft.

What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
→ Neither one is very bright.

How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
→ If his lips are moving, then he's lying.

How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
→ Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
→ They were dating the same girl in high school.

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.
As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea.
I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."