Celebrities — best jokes

What do you get if you cross a toilet with a pop singer?
→ Loo-Loo!

What's blue and sings alone?
→ Dan Ackroyd.

Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?
→ He was a rough rider!

Why is Dick Clark a favourite star with horses?
→ Because he was a disk jockey from Filly!

What happened to Lady Godiva's horse when he saw she had no clothes on?
→ It made him shy!

What duo were famous for stealing horses?
→ Bonnie and Clydesdale!

Did you hear about the horse that has made a dozen films?
→ He's not a star though, he just does bit parts!

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "What's the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here."

Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"

Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.

"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.

When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid."

"What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!"

Sid says, "You mean that monitor?"

"Yes," says Morty.

"Oh, well, that was just the pilot."

A Director arrives below and is met by Satan who shows him around. Turns out that Hell is a gigantic movie studio with the latest and best equipment, stages, great actors, etc. Director thinks its great and asks Satan what heaven is like if hell is this good. Satan says heaven is exactly like this, a movie studio. The Director is confused. "Then what's the difference," he asks.

Satan smiles. "Well, in heaven they actually make movies."

If George Raft's wife gave birth to twin Gorillas, would they be the Apes of Raft?