Best jokes

What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
→ A goal post that can't march.

How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
→ A goalpost that can't march.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
→ Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
→ "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
→ Have them miss every other note.

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
→ You can tune a '57 Chevy.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
→ "Hi. I played that last year."

What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two flutes playing a unison.

Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
→ To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

What is perfect pitch on a flute?
→ When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.

What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
→ One is far more painful to your ears.

What's the name of a good English horn player?
→ I'll tell you when I meet one.

How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.

Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
→ Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.

A man walks into a shop.

- You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo?

- You're a drummer, aren't you?

- Yeah. How'd you know?

- This is a travel agency.

Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I.Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.

The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I.Q. is.

- 200,000 - replies the first guest.

- Well, that's great - says Bob - let's talk about ethereal astro physics.

Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.

Later in the party, someone else is at the door.

- Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?

The new guest responds with:

- 250.

- Great - says Bob. Lets talk about advanced math.

Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.

Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door.

- Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I.Q.?

This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it:

- five.

- Well, that's great - says Bob - what kind of drumsticks do you use?

There's a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up?
→ The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
→ So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.

How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
→ The knocking gets slower.

How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
→ The knocking gets faster.

How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
→ The bass player notices.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
→ A drummer.

What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
→ Homeless.

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
→ Drool.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

What's the definition of a nerd?
→ Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
→ So they can park in the handicap zones.

What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
→ Gifted.

What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
→ Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?
→ You can almost hear them.

How do you get a clarinet player to play louder?
→ You can't!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
→ The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
→ Setting a bassoon on fire.

Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon?
→ A bassoon; there's more wood!

How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

What are oboes good for?
→ Kindling when burning basoons

Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
→ He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
→ It took him four hours to get the bass player out.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

The Annoying Drums

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks:

- Wow, this is cool.

He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.

When he gets there, he asks the manager:

- Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep.

The manager says:

- No! Drums must never stop. It's very bad if drums stop.

- Why?

- When drums stop...bass solo begins.