Sport Jokes — worst jokes

• Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
• Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
• If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
• Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
• Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
• Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
• Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
• Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
• Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
• Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
• Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
• Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
• Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
• Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.

Do you know why the Texas Aggies use artificial turf in their football stadium?
→ It helps stop their cheerleaders from grazing!

Why did the Packers tear up the end zone after a Vikings Game?
→ There was too much "Moss" in it!

Why does the wind blow from the north in Indiana?
→ Kentucky sucks.

How many Kentucky basketball fans does it take to roof a house?
→ Three, if you slice them really thin.

In Florida there was a swimming contest. The contestants were a brunette-Mindy, a redhead-Cindy, and a blonde-Sandy. The second race was the Breast Stroke...the order of finish was: The brunette came in first, the redhead second,... "but wait", where was the blonde??? She was still racing!

When she got to the finish line...she said "THEY CHEATED!!"

The Judge said "how??"

The dumb blonde screamed...

"THEY USED THEIR ARMS!"

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted: "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up. "Sit down, nuts!"

Everyone sat down. "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: "Peanuts!"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Why can't girls play hockey?
→ Because they have to change their pads every period!

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral!"