Situations — worst jokes

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson.

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

Katz's Law: Men and women will act rationally towards each other only after all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Cahn's Axiom (aka Alien's Axiom): When all else fails, read the instructions.

Beckhap's Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The Ultimate Law: All general statements are false.

Knight's Law: Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.

Krueger's Observation: A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.

Benchley's Law of Distinction: There are two kinds of people in the world; those who believe there are two kinds of people and those who don't.

Harver's Law: A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Rule of Accuracy: When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Rudin's Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can't win.

You can't break even.

You can't quit.

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary: Murphy was an optimist.

Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Firestone's Law of Forecasting: Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

Murphy's 3rd Military Law: Friendly fire ain't.

Murphy's 4th Military Law: The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Murphy's 5th Military Law: The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.

Murphy's 6th Military Law: The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

Murphy's 7th Military Law: The farther you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

Murphy's 8th Military Law: Incoming fire has the right of way.

Murphy's 9th Military Law: If your advance is going well, you're walking into an ambush.

Murphy's 10th Military Law: The quartermaster only has two sizes, too large and too small.

Murphy's 11th Military Law: If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

Murphy's 13th Military Law: The only thing more accurate than incoming fire is incoming friendly fire.

Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Grossman's Misquote: Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Perkin's Postulate: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Conway's Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Horngren's Observation (generalized): The real world is a special case.

Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Colson's Law: When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Mencken's Metalaw: For every human problem there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Gerrold's Pronouncement: The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Alan's Law: All things being equal, you lose.

Pick the day you were born on to see what kind of fart you are.

1. AMBITIOUS - Always ready for a fart.
2. LAZY - Just fizzles
3. AMIABLE - Likes to smell others farts
4. SELFISH - Only enjoys smelling own farts
5. CARELESS - Farts in church
6. SMART ALEC - Farts when ladies are present.
7. CLEVER - Farts and coughs at same time
8. SCIENTIFIC - Bottles own farts
9. STINGY - Belches instead of farting to save asshole
10. FOOLISH - Farts and laughs.
11. SHY - Blushes even when farts silently.
12. CONCEITED - Thinks they can fart loudest.
13. UNLUCKY - Tries to fart and shits pants.
14. TIMID - Jumps when farting.
15. BEWILDERED - can't tell own farts from others.
16. SLOVENLY - Farts and fizzles, rots pants.
17. NERVOUS - Stops in middle of fart.
18. MISERABLE - Can't fart
19. CONFUSED - Face looks so much like ass, Farts don't know where to go.
20. GROUCH - Grumbles when ladies fart.
21. SNEAKY - Farts and blames it on the dog.
22. DISAPPOINTED - Their farts don't stink.
23. FRESH GUY - Jumps in front of you and farts.
24. BIG BULLY - Farts louder than everyone else.
25. DELUDED - Enjoys all farts thinking they are their own.
26. CUTE - Discovers from farts what others have eaten.
27. WISE - Farts and say's "Who in hell shit ??"
28. DAMNED MEAN - Farts in bed and pulls covers over wife's head.
29. MUSICAL - Tenor or bass
    Clear as a bell
    Smells like shit
    Sounds like hell.
30. HONEST - Farts and blames in on the hostess.
31. LIVELY - Jumps in air, farts three times, kicks like hell simultaneously.

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

And these beauties from the radio:

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Insurance Form Statements...

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...
I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.

You Know You're Getting Older When...

• Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Your children begin to look middle aged.
• You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
• A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
• You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
• You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
• You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
• After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
• Dialing long distance wears you out.
• You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
• You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
• You burn the midnight oil until 9 PM.
• Your back goes out more often than you do.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
• The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.

Definitions of A Diplomat:

• Always knows what to talk about, but doesn't always talk about what he knows.
• Always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats.
• Can always make himself misunderstood.
• Can bring home the bacon without spilling the beans.
• Can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable.
• Can convince his wife to show off her new coat in a bus rather than in a taxi.
• Can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue.
• Can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest.
• Can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests.
• Can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat.
• Can make nothing sound like something.
• Can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on.
• Can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes.
• Can say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
• Can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head.
• Can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip.
• Comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you.
• Divides his time between running for office and running for cover.
• Has a straightforward way of dodging issues.
• Knows how far to go before he goes too far.
• Lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants.
• Never tells a woman how nice she looks in a gown. He tells her how nice the gown looks on her.
• Puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve.
• Straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one.
• Will approach every question with an open mouth.
• Will lay down your life for his country.
• Will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him.

TEST:

DO NOT SKIP AHEAD. Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says. You will be glad you did. If not, you'll feel like an idiot and wish you had listened.

1. pick a number from 1-9
2. subtract 5
3. multiply by 3
4. square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root) and if it's negative make it positive.
5. add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4= 10= 1+0=1)
6. if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7. multiply by 2
8. subtract 6
9. map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc...
10. pick a name of a country that begins with that letter
11. take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
12. think of the color of that mammal

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE

Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry....................

You have a grey elephant from Denmark!