Situations — worst jokes

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, 'Where's the rake?'

She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says, 'What?!'

She says, 'I left tit behind the bush.'

There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, I'll ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.

So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me 5.

The guy says ok.

He asks him what his name was the guy didn't know it so he payed him 5 dollars.

So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

He thinks and thinks but doesn't know so he pays him 50 dollars.

He asks what does go up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

The guy hands him 5 dollars.

So I said "Hey man, that's my beer."

Then he says, "No man, that's my beer." Then the beers say, "No man, we're our own beers." That's when we realized we had too many beers.

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.
11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
14. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
22. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
23. You read rather than scanned this list.

Snappy answers to sappy questions:
All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!

Dear Abby, What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest!
→ Have you tried a flyswatter?

Dear Abby, My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?
→ Shut up and get back to work!

Dear Abby, My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?
→ Get a new dad.

Dear Abby, Why are you so lazy?
→ Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.

Dear Abby, Help! I need to lose weight! How can I stop eating all the fattening foods I love?
→ Send them to me and I'll eat them for you.

A man goes into the optician and asks for his eyes to be tested because he suspected short sightedness. The optician took the man outside and pointed to the sky saying "What's that up there?".

The man replied "why.. that's the sun...!".

On that the optician said, "How far do you want to see sir!"

Great truths about life:

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and "sir do you have a extra $20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000.00. I have $980.00 and just need the last $20.00"

Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.

Well the man replied "No sir... I have money for gambling."

A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.

He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.

Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.

He looks down, sees a snail there.

The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault.

He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy."

But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."