Situations — worst jokes

How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Nine. One to screw in the bulb while the other 8 hold up the mirrors.

One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle.

The following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.

He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man said "no".

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

Weight Control

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

• Beating around the bush: 75
• Jumping to conclusions: 100
• Climbing the walls: 150
• Swallowing your pride: 50
• Passing the buck: 25
• Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight): 50-300
• Dragging your heels: 100
• Pushing your luck: 250
• Making mountains out of molehills: 500
• Hitting the nail on the head: 50
• Wading through paperwork: 300
• Bending over backwards: 75
• Jumping on the bandwagon: 200
• Balancing the books: 25
• Running around in circles: 350
• Eating crow: 225
• Tooting your own horn: 25
• Climbing the ladder of success: 750
• Pulling out the stops: 75
• Adding fuel to the fire: 160
• Wrapping it up at the day's end: 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

• Opening a can of worms: 50
• Putting your foot in your mouth: 300
• Starting the ball rolling: 90
• Going over the edge: 25
• Picking up the pieces after: 350

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."

With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.

The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo, I did not shit my pants." He believes him and they keep riding.

As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?" Paco says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants." He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?"

Paco replies "I thought you meant today!"

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."