Situations — worst jokes

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.

The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help." So she did just that.

After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, "That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00."

The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars."

"Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!"

"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see whats in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants however go light years beyond this.

What follows is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. What follows is an unbelievable list of what we can only call "the lowlights."

1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would show that the company's management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview.
12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further". He promptly responded, "I am as long as you will pay me more". I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.
27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn't want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk.

and topping the list....

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer. "And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?"

"Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another." replied Paddy.

"And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"

You Might Be A College Student:

• If you average 3 hours of sleep a night
• If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't
• If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
• If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
• If you wake up 10 minutes before class
• If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them
• If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
• If your social life consists of a date with the library
• If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
• If you carry less than a dollar on your person
• If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class
• If you celebrate when you find a quarter
• If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
• If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
• If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
• If you get more sleep in class than in your room
• If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
• If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo
• If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
• If you get more e-mail than mail......

THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!

There are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, there is nothing to worry about; but if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about; if you die, there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.

But, if you go to hell you'll be so darned busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry...

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die."

That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.

When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place."

When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.

A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.

The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma."

When driving through fog what should you use?
→ Your car!

Waiter to customer: "Our specialty is snails."

"I know. One of them served me the last time I was here!"

Never slap a man who chews tobacco.

There are many many more asses in the world than donkeys.

Wooden legs are not hereditary, wooden heads are.

Free cheese is always in a mouse trap.

An ugly carpet will last forever.