Sex Jokes — worst jokes

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered, "You know, I've got and itchy pussy...." The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"

Did you know that once you get married, you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?

First, there's House Sex: That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much like two crazed rabbits.

Then comes Bedroom Sex: That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you make love in the bedroom.

Last comes Hall Sex: That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw You!"

I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said, "Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for sex... I guess what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't understand me at all, does yours?"

I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning your name at all."

I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married,

but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.

A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend. The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to your husband when you're making love?"

She thought about it a minute then said, "Well, no. But I could. I mean he has a cell phone and all now."

A bored woman says to her husband as she clasps her hands together, "Guess what I have in here and you'll get some loving tonite."

The equally bored husband, wishing to avoid any kind of sex at all replies, "An elephant".

The wife sez "That's close enough!"

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts."

"Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'. Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."

While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he reflected unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"

"Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that ?"

"Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh, "It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actually moved."

The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm ?"

She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"