Random joke from this category
The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the hyprocrites are gone."
One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers. The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and stand in a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful naked woman. Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.
Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.
One day in the convent the nuns had their morning prayer session. At the end of the prayer session the head nun stood up and addressed the rest of the nuns. She said, "There was a man in the convent last night." 99 of the nuns go ohhh, and 1 of them goes hee hee hee.
The head nun goes on, "We found a condom in the garden." Again 99 of the nuns go ohhhh, 1 nun goes hee hee hee.
The head nun continues "There was a hole in that condom." 99 nuns go hee hee hee, 1 nun goes ohhh.
Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend, "I have one question.
Did he sent flowers afterwards...?"
Why did God invent shopping carts?
→ To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
One goldfish to his tankmate:
"If there's no God, who changes the water?"
What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
→ Isaiah!
An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick.
Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself.
Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains. "I've got the very thing for you," said the Irishman.
"It's the genuine skull of Saint Patrick".
"You swindler!" shouted the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, they're not even the same size!"
"You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad."
A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."
A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"
"No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"
"Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?"
"Oy Morris I forgot that one too!"
Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"
Morris responds, "They'll find us."
