Relationships — worst jokes

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman in a short black dress walked by.

My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table.

The girlfriend glared at me and snapped, "So, do you want to date her??"

To which I stuttered, "Ummmm...1968, perhaps?"

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up:

• I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.
• My dog died.
• My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.
• I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.
• I overslept.
• I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.
• I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.
• I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.
• Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.
• My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.

Girl Lingo:

• The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.
• The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.
• The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
• The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
• The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.
• The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?
• The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.
• The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
• Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.
• The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.
• The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.
• The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
• The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
• Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.
• The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.
• The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

- Ohhh, it's my girlfriend.

- Oh yeah? What's the problem?

"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
11. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
12. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
13. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
14. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
15. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
16. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
17. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
18. Pretend to eat your arm.
19. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date

10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.
11. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.
12. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.
13. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.
14. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.
15. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.
16. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.
17. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.
18. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.
19. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?"

From Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, November 11, 1994

Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date

10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just some guy who works in a car wash.
11. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.
12. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.
13. Her Wonderbra's on backwards.
14. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to return to your cells.
15. It's costing you $3.00 a minute.
16. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, honey."
17. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?"
18. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.
19. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!" (reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)

The Perfect Day According To:

HER

• 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
• 9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
• 9:30 Light breakfast
• 11:00 Sunbathe
• 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
• 1:45 Shopping
• 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs
• 3:00 Facial, massage, nap
• 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
• 10:00 Make love
• 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM

• 10:00 Wake up
• 10:02 Oral sex
• 10:10 Big Breakfast
• 11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
• 2:15 Enormous lunch
• 3:15 Oral sex
• 3:25 Play sports with the guys
• 4:30 Drink beer with the guys
• 6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
• 6:40 Oral sex
• 6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
• 11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
• 11:10 Sleep