Relationships — worst jokes

Women's English:

• Yes = No
• No = Yes
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
• We need to talk = I need to complain.
• Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
• I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = My PMS is acting up.
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:

• "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
• "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
• "I'm tired" = I'm tired.
• "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
• "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
• "What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
• "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
• "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
• "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
• "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
• "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
• "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
• (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
• "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.

• You know a man's lying if his lips are moving.
• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
• So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
• Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
• Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.
• Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
• Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway
• A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
• Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
• Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
• Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
• If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.
• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
• Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.
• Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.
• If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.
• Sadly, all men are created equal.
• There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes...

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Maria

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,
Maria

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

• "Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
• "I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"
• "Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"
• "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"
• "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
• "Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"
• "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
• "If You Can Read This...
  Kiss A Teecher"
• "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
• "If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"
• "Procrastinate Now"
• "Rehab Is for Quitters"
• (Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"
• "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
• "The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"

The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.

Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too!

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying. "What happened...why are you crying?"

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically... "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"

Ladies...read and heed!

SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. No, you can't have the remote control.

Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

Check your oil. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Nothing says "I love you" like sex in the morning. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers. Share the closet. Share the bathroom.

Your brother is an idiot. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. You have too many shoes. You have enough clothes. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Dogs are better than cats. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, its just like every other cat. Don't make us guess. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn't say:

• You woke me up for that?
• Do you smell something burning?
• Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
• Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
• ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
• Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
• Got any penicillin?
• Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
• I want a baby!
• But everybody looks funny naked!
• Did I mention the video camera?
• So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
• Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
• Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
• Did I remember to take my pill?
• That leak better be from the waterbed!
• I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
• But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
• You're almost as good as my ex!
• Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
• You look younger than you feel.
• Perhaps you're just out of practice.
• You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
• They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
• You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
• What tampon?
• I have a confession...
• I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
• Did I mention my transsexual operation?
• Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
• Hic! I need another beer for this please
• I think biting is romantic- don't you?
• When would you like to meet my parents?
• Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like?
• Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
• Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
• I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
• Do you have a light?
• Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
• Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
• I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
• So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
• Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

Guys shouldn't say:

• A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel)
• Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
• Can you please pass me the remote control?
• Do you accept Visa?
• On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
• And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
• Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
• (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
• Do you get any premium movie channels?
• But I just brushed my teeth...
• I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
• I think you have it on backwards.
• When is this supposed to feel good?
• Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
• You're good enough to do this for a living!
• Is that blood on the headboard?
• Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
• I wish we got the Playboy channel...
• No, really... I do this part better myself!
• It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
• This would be more fun with a few more people...
• That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
• Now I know why he dumped you...
• Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
• Have you ever considered liposuction?
• And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
• What are you planning to make for breakfast?
• Are those real or am I just behind the times?
• Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
• You'll still vote for me, won't you?
• I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
• I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
• A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
• Does this count as a date?
• You can cook, too right?
• Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
• You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
• My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
• Is this a sin too?
• I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
• Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
• Long kisses clog my sinuses...
• How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
• You mean you're NOT my blind date?

(Age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)

1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)

1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

(Age 72)

1. Breathing.....