Relationships — worst jokes

What does SWM stand for in a personal column advertisement?
→ Sneaking While Married

What do most women miss most about being single?
→ Having sex!

- Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

- Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful.

"Was it my friend Steve?" he yelled.

"No," she said.

"Was it my friend James?" he then asked.

"What?" she shouted. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?"

A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her, "We can just live on love."

Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater. The hippy asked, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "Heating your breakfast."

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife

16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
17. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
18. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)
19. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)
20. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
21. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
22. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
23. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (1 Samuel somewhere)
24. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative off course.) - Cain (Genesis 4)
25. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)
26. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14)
27. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). - David (2 Samuel 9)
28. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
29. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11)
30. A wife?... NOT!!! - Paul (I Corinthians 7)
31. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole bunch of people. - Jesus (Revelation 15?)

Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary

10. Today is our what?
11. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
12. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
13. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
14. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
15. I thought we only celebrated important events?
16. Having sex doesn't count as a gift?
17. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
18. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.
19. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

My ex-husband (or ex-wife) was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.

Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone: My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole!

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."