Redneck Jokes — worst jokes

How do Redneck mothers know when their daughters are having their period?
→ Their son's dicks taste funny!

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!"

How do you circumcise a redneck?
→ Kick his sister in the chin.

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw?

He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.

He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.

The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.

The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

State of Kentucky 12th Grade Reading Test

TEST #1
MR Ducks
MR Knot
SAR
CM Wangs
LIB
MR Ducks

TEST #2
MR Snakes
MR Knot
SAR
CM BDI's
LIB
MR Snakes

TEST #3
MR Farmers
MR Knot
SAR
CMMT Pockets
LIB
MR Farmers

TEST #4
MR Mice
MR Knot
SAR
CMEDBD Feet
LIB
MR Mice

Name:
Nickname:
CB Handle:
Model: Color:
Address (RFD No.):
Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):
Mamma:

Neck Shade:
[ ] Light Red / [ ] Medium Red / [ ] Dark Red

Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper Lower

Name of Pickup owned:
Height of Truck:

Truck equipped with:
[ ] Gun Rack / [ ] 4-Wheel Drive / [ ] Confederate Flag / [ ] 8-Track Cassettes / [ ] Load of Wood / [ ] Hijacker Shocks / [ ] Radar Detector / [ ] Mag Wheels / [ ] Dual CB Antennas / [ ] Spittoon / [ ] Camper Top / [ ] Air Horns / [ ] Mud Flaps / [ ] Toothpick Holder / [ ] Mud-Grip Tires / [ ] Raccoon Hide / [ ] Big Dog / [ ] Hunting Rifle

Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:

BUMPER STICKERS:
[ ] Eat more Possum
[ ] My other car is a piece of shit too
[ ] Honk if you love Jesus
[ ] If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
[ ] Redman Chewing Tobacco
[ ] Wave if you're horny
[ ] Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit
[ ] If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky
[ ] I Brake For Nuthin'
[ ] National Rifle Association

Define the following (must be 90% correct):

1. Grits
2. Goobers
3. Pinto Beans
4. Collards
5. Sidemeat
6. Sawmill Gravy
7. Turnip Salad
8. Shit-on-a-Shingle
9. Redeye Gravy
10. Soppin' Syrup
11. Cobbler
12. Fatback
13. Tote
14. Chickin'Fry
15. Poke
16. Tater
17. Pig Skins
18. Okrie
19. Shonuf
20. Chitlins

Favorite Vocalist:
[ ] Reba McEntire / [ ] Conway Twitty / [ ] Loretta Lynn / [ ] Hank Williams Jr. / [ ] Randy Travis / [ ] Ray Wylie Hubbard / [ ] Tammy Wynette / [ ] Slim Whitman / [ ] Porter Wagoner / [ ] Willie Nelson / [ ] George Jones / [ ] Box Car Willie

Favorite Recreation:
[ ] Square Dancin' / [ ] Possum Huntin' / [ ] Skinny Dippin' / [ ] Craw Daddin' / [ ] Gospel Singin' / [ ] 4-Wheelin' / [ ] Drankin' / [ ] Spittin' Backy / [ ] Bill Chip Throwin' / [ ] Honky Tonkin' / [ ] Noodlin' / [ ] Other

Name of Son(s):
[ ] Bubba / [ ] Jim Bob / [ ] LeeRoy / [ ] J.D. / [ ] Bill Lee / [ ] Bob Lee / [ ] Duke

Name of Daughter(s):
[ ] PammySue / [ ] Violet / [ ] Paulette / [ ] Daisy

Weapons Owned:
[ ] Deer Rifle / [ ] Sawed-Off Shotgun / [ ] Varmit Rifle / [ ] Log Cabin / [ ] Tire Iron / [ ] Power Chain Saw / [ ] Pick Handle / [ ] Hick'ry Switch

Number of Dogs: Type:
[ ] Blue Tick / [ ] Beagle / [ ] Black & Tan / [ ] Bird Dawg

Cap Emblem:
[ ] John Deer / [ ] McCullock Chain Saws / [ ] Budweiser / [ ] Vo-Tech / [ ] Skoal / [ ] Coors / [ ] NAPA / [ ] Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear / [ ] N.R.A. / [ ] Redman / [ ] Kodiak

Number of Dependends: Legal: Claimed:
Number of Weeks Unemployed:
Number of Welfare Checks Received:

Memberships:
[ ] KKK / [ ] NRA / [ ] Moose / [ ] PTL Club / [ ] AA / [ ] Bass Club / [ ] VFW / [ ] Quiltin' Bee / [ ] American Legion / [ ] United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy / [ ] John Birch Society

Length of Right leg: Length of Left leg:
Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam: Number of Testicles Left:

Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of Primer Red? [ ] Yes [ ] No

How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?
How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?
Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?
Do you own any shoes? [ ] Yes [ ] No If yes, how many?
What year did you last purchase shoes?

Are you married to any of the following: [ ] Sister / [ ] Cousin / [ ] Sow
Do you know her name?
Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?
Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?
Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?
If so, why?

Can you count:
Past 10 with your shoes on?
To 21 with your fly up?
Do you know any words that have more than four letters?
Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?

Medical Information:
Do you have at least two of the following:
[ ] BO / [ ] Crabs / [ ] Head Lice / [ ] Rabies / [ ] Trench Mouth / [ ] Runny Nose / [ ] Bad Breath / [ ] Chafing

IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY.

How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck?
→ If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the same time and still know which one to spit out.

What do you call the temperature between two West Virginians?
→ Relative Humidity

Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.