Random joke from this category
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.
What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $ 3.99 a minute.
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:
- This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?
He answered:
- You've got to keep that old motor running.
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said:
- You really are amazing. How do you do it?
He again said:
- You've got to keep the old motor running.
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said:
- You must be quite a man.
He responded:
- You've got to keep that old motor running.
The nurse then said:
- Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black!
Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't believe this has happened.
She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:
- How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!!
- How could you???!!!
- I can't believe this has happened!
- I just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!!
- How could you???
- Well, what have you got to say???
There is nothing but silence on the phone.
She screams again:
- CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!!
She finally hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper he says:
- Who is this?
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
- This is $200 - she says.
- I want one that's more sheer - says he.
- This one is $350.
- I want it even more sheer than that.
- This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500.
- I'll take it!
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying:
- Go put this on and come down to model it for me.
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks:
- This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not.
So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
- So, how do you like it? - she says.
- Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!
How do you Scare a Man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
→ Exchange him.
What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
→ A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
How do you get a man to exercise?
→ Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know. It's never happened.
Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because, even back then men wouldn't stop to ask for directions.
What is a man's idea of safe sex?
→ A padded headboard.
Men are like vacations....
→ they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers....
→ hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers....
→ load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like horoscopes....
→ they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers....
→ they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like laxatives....
→ they irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like parking spots....
→ the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why are men like lawnmowers?
→ They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time.
Why are men like tile floors?
→ If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.
Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
→ "How come?"
What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
→ They'll never see you coming.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
→ S&M&M.
What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
→ Both capture the moment.
Define Transvestite:
→ A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
→ The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
→ A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
→ There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
→ Two Mennonite!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
→ If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
→ Is it in?
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
→ A bingo machine.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
→ One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One ... Men will screw anything.
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.
The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive.
The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..
"Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
- Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony.
- Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do - said Irving.
- Sounds great - Morris replied.
- but how do you make it last for an hour?
- That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!
A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.
- This is Chet - he said.
- and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs.
Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.
- He needs warming up - he said.
- Lend me your cigarette lighter.
The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
- That's fantastic - said the customer.
- And listen to this - said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing.
Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.
- Wrap him up - said the customer.
- I'll take him!
When he got home he greeted his wife:
- Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic.
He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife.
- Now, watch and listen.
He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.
- Let me try it - said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:
- Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time:
- how many women have you slept with?
- Baby - he protested:
- if I told you, you'd throw a fit.
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
- Okay - he said, then started to count on his fingers:
- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen.....
A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
