Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps writing in her diary!

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says:

- So what's bothering you, dear?

She says:

- Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.

The priest says:

- Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?

She says:

- That he did, Father...

The priest says:

- What did he ask, Mary?

She says:

- He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:

- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered:

- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.

- It`s for my husband - she tells the clerk.

- Did he tell you what gauge to get? - asked the clerk.

- Are you kidding? - she says.

- He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!

This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.

His father was really proud of him. So his father asks:

- What part did you get?

He replies:

- I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.

His father congradulated him. And then he said:

- Thats good son, maybe next time you'll get a talking role!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says:

- Who was that??!!

- Oh - replies the husband - that was my mistress.

- That's it - says the wife - I want a divorce.

- Ok - replies her husband - but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours.

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.

- Who is that woman with Jim? - she asks.

- That's his mistress - replies her husband.

- Ours is much better looking. - says the wife.

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said:

- I was just being the Ring Bear!

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.

There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?

I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Don't worry about the world ending today...

It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Character is what you are.

Reputation is what people think you are.

Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her:

- What are you up to?

Alice smiled:

- I'm going hunting with you!

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her:

- If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming:

- Get away from my deer!

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell:

- Get away from my deer! followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said:

- Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!