Marriage Jokes — worst jokes

Two guys are talking:

- I've bought a tour to my mother-in-law.

- Your mother-in-law???!!!

- Why not, to Bagdad.

Where did the newlywed horses stay?
→ In the bridle suite!

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said.
"You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

Why did Henry VIII have so many wives?
→ He liked to chop and change!

Why didn't the female frog lay eggs?
→ Because her husband spawned her affections!

- Wife: You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?

- Husband: No thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home.

- Wife: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.

- Husband: Which is this?

- Why can't you make bread like my mother?

- I would if you could make dough like your father!

One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house.

He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.

"What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. "Yes. And my idiot went fishing!"