Random joke from this category
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
RESOLUTION #1:
1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2001: I will read 5 books a year.
2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief
2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2004: I will read at least one article this year.
2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
RESOLUTION #2:
1999: I will get my weight down below 180.
2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2003: I will work out 5 days a week.
2004: I will work out 3 days a week.
2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
RESOLUTION #3:
1999: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000.
2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001.
2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006.
RESOLUTION #4:
2002: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
2003: I will not leave Marge.
2004: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
2005: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
RESOLUTION #5:
2002: I will stop looking at other women.
2003: I will not get involved with Wanda.
2004: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
2005: I will stop looking at other women.
RESOLUTION #6:
2002: I will not let my boss push me around.
2003: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2004: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2005: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
RESOLUTION #7:
2002: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.
2003: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.
2004: I will not get angry when Charle tells the guys I wear a girdle.
2005: I will not speak to Charlie.
RESOLUTION #8:
2002: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2003: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2004: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2005: I will not miss any AA meetings.
RESOLUTION #9:
2002: I will see my dentist this year.
2003: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2004: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2005: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
RESOLUTION #10:
2002: I will go to church every Sunday.
2003: I will go to church as often as possible.
2004: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2005: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
- Please let me in - says the man desperately.
- I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.
- Okay - says the butcher.
- Let me see what I have left.
He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
- That's one is too skinny. What else you got? - says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
- Oh, no - says the man.
- That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband:
- I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?
- You'll know tonight - he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
- How about some perfume? - he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
- That's a bit much - said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
- Thats still quite a bit - Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
- I think it's raining - he said to his wife.
- No, that felt more like snow to me - she replied.
- No, I'm sure it was just rain - he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them.
- Let's not fight about it - the man said.
- let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said:
- Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?
- It's raining, of course - he answered and walked on.
But the woman insisted:
- I know that felt like snow!
To which the man quietly replied:
- Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!
A man speaks frantically into the phone:
- My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!
- Is this her first child? - the doctor queries.
- No, you idiot! - the man shouts.
- This is her husband!
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said:
- When you can read this, come back and see me.
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
- Some parents - she said - tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'
One of the women spoke up immediately:
- Does she cook???
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
