Random joke from this category
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here." Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered:
- Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.
Murphy said:
- Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.
Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a bus to Yuma, Arizona.
- Didja hear the news? - asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon.
- Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!
- Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!
- And how's yer wife, Pat?
- Sure, she do be awful sick.
- Is ut dangerous she is?
- No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up:
- I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble - offered the friend.
- Did Mike leave you well fixed?
- Oh, he did! - she said.
- He left me almost a half million dollars.
- Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write.
- Nor swim either - added the widow.
- Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? - the solicitor questioned his client.
- Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?
- Oh, no - replied Mrs. O'Connor.
- Shure now, we have a carport.
The solicitor tried again:
- Well, does the man beat you up?
- No, no - said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled.
- Oi'm always first out of bed.
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again:
- What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have.
- Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.
- Mrs. O'Connor - the solicitor said in considerable exasperation.
- you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?
- Ah, well now - said the lady.
- Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
- Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?
- No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !
