Lawyer Jokes — worst jokes

Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.

"Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time!"

The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.

When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed 'bored'."

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"

"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."

The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"

"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out of bed."

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"

"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."

"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."

"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"

"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
→ Hey! There's some things even a blonde won't do.

- Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

- Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

- Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

- Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his law firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer -- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.

What is the difference between baseball and law?
→ In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Lawyers do it with appeal.

Lawyers do it confidentially.

Lawyers do it on a trial basis.

Lawyers do it until justice prevails.

Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.

Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

- How much does it cost for engineer brain?

- Three dollars an ounce.

- How much does it cost for programmer brain?

- Four dollars an ounce.

- How much for lawyer brain?

- $1,000 an ounce.

- Why is lawyer brain so much more?

- Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?