Kids Jokes — worst jokes

- Small girl: I'd buy that dog, but his legs are too short!

- Clerk: Too short? Why, all four of them touch the floor.

- Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

- Nurse: No change yet.

The seven-year old girl told her mom:

- A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.

- Oh, dear - the mother nervously sighed.

- What happened, honey?

- Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager:

- How much is that new Barbie in the window?

The Manager replied:

- Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00.

- Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?!? - Ralph asked surprised.

The Manager replies:

- Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture.

One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend:

- My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping:

- Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

- God Almighty! - shouted Mary, and the teacher said:

- Very good, and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary:

- Who is our Lord and Savior, but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again.

- Jesus Christ! - shouted Mary, and the teacher said:

- Very good, and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question:

- What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted:

- If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!

What's the definition of a teenager?
→ God's punishment for enjoying sex.

A couple decided that the only way to have a quickie while their ten-year-old son was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighbourhood. So the boy stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening:

- A police car has just called at the Hamiltons' house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell's are having sex.

Hearing this, the boy's parents shot bolt upright.

- How do you know the Mitchells are having sex?

- Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy asked:

- Grandpa, can I have a beer?

Grandpa replied:

- Can your dick touch your ass?

The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said:

- Then you're not man enough to have a beer.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked:

- Grandpa, can I have a cigar?

Once again, Grandpa asked:

- Can your dick touch your ass?

The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said:

- Then your not man enough to have a cigar.

A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie.
Grandpa asked:

- Can I have a cookie?

The boy asked:

- Can your dick touch your ass?

Grandpa replied:

- Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!

The boy replied:

- Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me.

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was:

- Yes.

Asked how she used it, she said:

- To assist sexual intercourse.

The interviewer was amazed.
He said:

- I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?

- Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.