Irish Jokes — worst jokes

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks: Where are you from? I'm from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland. Of Course, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: Where in Ireland are you from? Dublin, comes the reply. I can't believe it, says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin. Of course, replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to? Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62. This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too! About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender. Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"

- I'm from Ireland.

- Me too! I'll drink to that.

They both finish their pints and order two more.

- Where in Ireland are you from?

- Dublin.

- Me too! I'll drink to that.

They both finish their pints and order two more.

- Where in Dublin are you from?

- The East Side.

- The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!

They both finish their pints and order two more.

- Where on the East Side are you from?

- McDonagh Street.

- Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that.

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender, "it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk.

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey.

"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"

"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."

"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??" Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!" With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here." Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at. "Four glasses of ale," was the reply. "Next?" "Two glasses of whiskey." "Next?" "One glass of brandy." "Next?" "A fight."