Gender Jokes — worst jokes

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch."

Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
→ They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
→ Put the remote control between his toes.

If men had PMS/PMT, what would happen?
a. The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b. Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c. There would be a federal holiday every 28 days

How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stoll?
→ you turn it over!

At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."

How do you get a man to do situps?
→ Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

Seminars for Men

• COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity
• COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework
• COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
• COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray
• COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
• COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)
• COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM
• COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
• COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook
• COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
• COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence
• COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex
• COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers
• COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex
• COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
• COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower
• COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
• COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
• COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
• COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
• COURSE 021 Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
• COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary
• COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
• COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work
• COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On
• Course 026 Real Men Ask For Directions

FOR COUNSELING CALL 1-CHA-UVI-NIST

Guyness Quiz
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
   a. Present it to the president of the United States.
   b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
   c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
   a. Innocence.
   b. Idealism.
   c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
   a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
   b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
   c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
   a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
   b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
   c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
   a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
   b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
   c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
   a. A cat.
   b. A dog.
   c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive. Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
   a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
   b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
   c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
   a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
   b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
   c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
   a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
   b. "They're in school already?"
   c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
    a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
    b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
    c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
    a. He was being tested.
    b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
    c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
    a. Democracy.
    b. Religion.
    c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.