Random joke from this category
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
- No, I can't marry anyone after you.
- But I want you to.
- But why?
- Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
What would happen if we priced our "COWS" using the same criteria the auto industry uses to price a "CAR"?
LIST PRICING A COW
A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:
FARMER'S SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2,843.36
Additional Dealer Adjustments: 300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including Options): $3,143.36
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.
The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him".
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull."
Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger."
Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard."
Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'em till I run him off or kill 'im, but I AM KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting -- the bull's equivalent of an Ape's beating his chest or Man's bone-chilling, war-like cry of "Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.
"Third Bull: "Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS.
I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
A guy goes down south to be a farmer because it's his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.
The clerk says, "We don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks."
"Okay," the man says. "I'll take a cock and a rabbit for the farm." "We pronounce it rubbit," says the clerk. "Okay, I'll take those two things and a mule to carry them home."
"We don't call 'em mules, we call 'em asses and every time the ass stops walkin', just scratch behind his ear."
So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. He's walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.
The man sees a lady passing by and asks, "Can you hold my cock and rubbit while I scratch my ass?"
Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
→ Because they can't even keep two calves together!
One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?"
"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids."
"That's amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs?" said the man.
"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead."
"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."
"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was."
"Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man said quite annoyed at this point.
"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special...you have to eat 'em real slow."
