Drunks — worst jokes

In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female hormone oestrogen.

That's why after a six pack you can't drive.

These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home".

Why did god invent alcohol?
→ So fat women can get laid too.

• 17: Wine Coolers
• 25: White wine
• 35: Red wine
• 48: Dom Perignon
• 66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screams the nurse on duty.

"Holy shit, lady!" the drunk exclaims, "I never knew you had a minimum!"

There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken driving. They let him go, though. He was already an hour late for an operation.

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

- Yeah what happened? asked his friend.

- Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.

After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."

"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."

"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."

"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."