Doctor Jokes — worst jokes

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. . . "

Three surgeons at a conference were discussing their greatest operations during one of the breaks.

- First surgeon: I once had an ambulance crew bring in a man's leg and my team and I built a new body around it and now that he's recovered fully he does the work of five guys.

- Second surgeon: That's really good. My greatest test was a few skin fragments sent to us by the local nuclear plant after a major accident. My team and I work for three days and built an entire new person around those few bits and sent him back to work six months later. He's so good that he now runs the entire plant by himself!

- Third surgeon: Not bad, my friend. I was walking along outside the White House when Clinton went jogging by and farted. I captured that fart in a plastic bag and went to the hospital. My team and I built another ass hole around that fart, added a brain and he's so good he's putting this entire country out of work!

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
• Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingie
• Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
• Damn, there go the lights again...
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em."
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
• What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
• Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?
• Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.
• What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
• She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER

- Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great, But... there are problems that can't wait! Now Benton's fine, and Carter too, But Ross and Susan just won't do! Now who do you think that we should hire, Since both of them today I'll fire?

- Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see...

- Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree...

- Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt... But the paramedics just pulled up.

- Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got?

- Shep: This little boy has just been shot! His pulse is faint, his breath is weak. We did all we could to stop the leak.

- Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip...

- Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?

- Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair, So I shoved her--lightly--down some stairs.

- Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three! Doug and Susan! Come with me!

- Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see? We've got some more; one, two, and three.

- Kerry: You've got three more? How can this be? Explain it, tell it all to me!

- Riley: Well, Shep was driving. Really fast. A light turned red. Shep hit the gas. We hit a car, it hit two more. Soon the total rose by four. Another bang! Another crash! But we couldn't stay, we had to dash! We grabbed these three but I am sure, The injured totaled sixty score!

- Carter: These people really are a mess! Their injuries I cannot guess! It makes me sick, my knees are weak, A toilet I must soon go seek...

- Benton: It's ok Carter! Stay on your toes! It doesn't get worse than this you know! To Trauma four let's take these three. You can do it, come with me!

- Green: Ok, let's get this boy on the table. To save his life if we are able!

- Haleh: Dr. Green! This boy is cyanotic! I can't find a pulse... oh, wait I've got it! But it is weak! Oh, woe is us!

- Doug: Give him saline! IV push! CBC, chem 7, stat! We will save him, bet on that! Oh no, he's showing poor perfusion! Lydia, start a blood transfusion!

- Lydia: But Dr. Ross, I hate to say. The blood bank didn't come today! We're out of blood, I can't believe!

- Doug: Here, use mine! (rolls up his sleeve)

- Kerry: We need some help! There's been a crash! Someone's heart stopped with a flash! But Dr. Benton saved the day, And Carter's going to be ok.

- Susan: What can I do, where can I go? I'm not incompetent you know! I deserve a chance and with good reason, I only killed one guy last season!

- Mark: It's fine! It's done, the kid's ok. We're sending him up on his way. To surgery he's off to go, They must sew up that bullet hole. But Dr. Ross, he's out of sorts... We had to take a dozen quarts.

- Benton: Ok, we're done. I did it all. I used a double breasted suture saw. I closed them up, I fixed their ills. I patched their wounds, I gave them pills. I have their livers in this sack. I did it all, behind my back. I need more patients, give me more! I just cured three, now give me four!

- Carter: What happened? Did I miss it all? I saw some blood. I took a fall. But it doesn't matter, we saved the day!

- Carol: Get ready! There's more on the way!

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
→ She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

• ARTERY--The study of fine paintings.
• BARIUM--What you do when CPR fails.
• BENIGN--What yoiu are after you be8.
• CAESAREAN SECTION--A district in Rome.
• COLIC--A sheep dog.
• COMA--A punctuation mark.
• CONGENITAL--Friendly.
• DILATE--To live longer.
• FESTER--Quicker.
• G.I. SERIES--Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
• GRIPPE--A suitcase.
• HANGNAIL--A coat hook.
• MEDICAL STAFF--A Doctor's cane.
• MINOR OPERATION--Coal digging.
• MORBID--A higher offer.
• NODE--Was aware of.
• ORGANIC--Church musician.
• OUTPATIENT--A person who has fainted.
• POST-OPERATIVE--A letter carrier.
• PROTEIN--In favor of young people.
• SECRETION--Hiding anything.
• SEROLOGY--Study of English knighthood.
• TABLET--A small table.
• TUMOR--An extra pair.
• URINE--Opposite of you're out.
• VARICOSE VEINS--Veins which are very close together.

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!"

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"

The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!"