Doctor Jokes — worst jokes

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?
→ Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
→ She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift!

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live."

The man sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist."

The doctor asks, "You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?"

The man says, "Better one of them should die than one of us!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.

He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
→ A hematologist pricks your finger.

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

And then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.

After making love, the woman said to the man, "So, you're a doctor?"

"That's right," replied the doctor smugly. "Betcha don't know what kind of doctor."

"Ummm... I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist."

"Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know?" asked the guy.

"Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing."