Doctor Jokes — worst jokes

- Doctor, doctor, I think I've been bitten by a vampire.

- Drink this glass of water.

- Will it make me better?

- No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist?
→ He wanted to improve his bite.

What happened when a doctor crossed a parrot with a vampire?
→ It bit his neck, sucked his blood and said, "Who's a pretty boy then?"

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.

"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.

"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.

"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

- Patient: Tell me honestly, how am I?

- Dentist: Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

- Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

- Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

- Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

- George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

- Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

- Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

- Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a snowman.

- Keep cool!

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a python.

- Oh you can't get round me like that, you know.

- Doctor, you have to help me stop talking to myself.

- Why is that?

- I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.

- Doctor: Your recovery was a miracle!

- Patient: PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!