Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

What do you call a masterbating bull?
→ Beef strokin'off.

A woman's three biggest lies...

1. You're the Biggest.
2. You're the Best.
3. It doesn't always taste like that.

A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend:

- I put on stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and between the two I make a living.

Why does Hellen Keller use one hand to masturbate?
→ Because she uses the other to moan.

Every once in a awhile, this couple would tell their 2 children, Scott (the older one) and Andrew that they were going to go upstairs for a bit (to do their little freaky thing).

One day Scott got curious to what they were doing up there, so the next time they said that they were going to go upstairs he very cautiously followed them.

He peeked in through the crack in the door and whispered:

- Hey Andrew, come look at this. Guess what the woman who told us never to suck our thumbs is sucking?!

What is the difference between pink and purple?
→ The grip, man, its all in the grip!

Whats the difference between light and hard???
→ You can go to sleep with the light on!!!

So, the chicken and the egg were in bed, the chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette, and says "Well, I guess that answers THAT question!!!"

Questions to Ponder about Viagra

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."

Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO." Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.

A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.

VIAGRA CAUSES PANIC

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:

FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented:

- There's no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. We've got to make sure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands, like President Clinton's, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake.

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience:

- Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?

and 5 people raise their hand.

Then she asks:

- Who here has ever SEEN a ghost?

and 3 people raise their hand.

Then she asks:

- Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?

and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.

So she goes up to this old man and says:

- what was it like?

and he said:

- Oh...it was great!! Never had any like it before!!

and she asked:

- Really?? So the ghost was good??

and the old man said:

- GHOST!?!?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!!!