Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

The Perfect Woman would say:

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God.. if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey.. our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully... our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me:

- I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before.

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say:

- here, stick this in MYASS.

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond:

- Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS.

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The first one said:

- You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.

The second one said:

- No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said:

- Now THAT'S a good date!!

She offered her honor,
He honored her offer,
And so all night long, it was on-her and off-er!

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

- This is your doctor - says the voice on the phone.

- We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

- G.A.S.H? - replies the patient.

- What the hell is that?

- It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes - explains the doctor.

- My gosh, Doc! - screams the man in a panic.

- what are we going to do?

- Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread - says the doctor matter-of-factly.

- Will that cure me?

- Well no - says the doctor.

- but it's the only food that will fit under the door.

Three generations of hookers were sitting around the brothel one day just talking about the business. The youngest one complained:

- You know Mom and Grandma, now guys want a blow job and a fuck for $100! I don't think I can stay in business at those prices.

Her Mom thinks for a while and says:

- Well dear, in my day we would give a blow job and for only $25 and we considered ourselves lucky to get that!

Grandma looks at her daughter and her grandaughter and says:

- The both of you don't know what tough times really are. Back during the depression we used to give blow jobs for free because we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!

What does a sign on a whorehouse say in the middle of the day?
→ Beat it - we're closed.

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man:

- This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing:

- What's so funny? - asks the clerk.

- I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house - the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says:

- Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off.

The man takes another look through the scope and says:

- You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
→ Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club."

One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.

The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?

I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!