Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a headache."

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

Perfect breasts: (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts: ( + )( + )
Perky breasts: (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts: (@)(@)
A cups: o o
D cups: { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts: (oYo)
Cold breasts: ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts: (o)(O)
Pierced Breasts: (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts: (p)(p)
Against The Shower Door Breasts: ( )( )
Android Breasts: | o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts: ($)($)

OK Girls--now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness -- so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy...

10 things men know about women:
1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:
9:
10: They have tits

Why are women such bad drivers?
→ Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.

The doctor because he says "Take your clothes off."

The dentist because he says "Open wide."

The hair dresser because he says "Do you want them teased or blown?"

The milkman because he says "Do you want it in the back or in the front?"

The interior decorator because he says "Once it's in you'll love it."

The banker because he says "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

Why do you call a womens monthly pain a period?
→ Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

What do you call the temperature between two West Virginians?
→ Relative Humidity

Two men sitting beside one another in a bar.

The 1st man is an average size guy weighing about 170 lbs.

The 2nd man is a huge fat guy weighing about 375 lbs.

The 2nd guy asks the 1st guy, "When you have sex with a woman, do you always hit bottom?"

The 1st guy replies, "It depends on the woman, how about you?"

The 2nd guy replies, "I always hit bottom, no matter who I'm with."

Of course you can't help but to hit bottom when you "mash it flat".

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.

A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they'd heard last night was. He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night. During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was. So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!