Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:

Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch.

- I'm here about your ad - he says.

- You must be mistaken - she says.

"Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."

"But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.

- I guess you must be in the fifth - she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers. The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount!" The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other: "We could eat the 30, I suppose."

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said:

- Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?

The Vicar said:

- Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking.

The villager said:

- Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day.

They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.

The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them.

A nun answered back:

- Well, we could alway eat one.

This fellow comes to confession. Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asked:

- What did you do, my son?

The fellow replied:

- I lusted.

The priest said:

- Tell me about it.

The fellow then related his story:

- Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in.

The priest asked:

- And, what did you do, my son?

The man replied:

- Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted.

The priest replied:

- Your sin has been forgiven.

- You will get your reward in heaven, my son.

The fellow asked:

- A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?

The priest replied:

- I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass.

Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf!"

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says:

- Father, I never wears panties under my habit.

The priest chuckles and says:

- That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.

Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?
→ They don't like to look down on the unemployed.

A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far as Cleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. So he went on driving and praying.

By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approaching San Francisco. Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.

So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was a severe guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who said:

- For penance say three Hail Mary's.

The man said:

- What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing.

Father replied quietly:

- Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?.