Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.

He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened to have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black condom.

Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear a black condom? The pimp told him:

- To show respect for the dead.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.

He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

- Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? - he says.

- That's cool - says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds:

- why don't you two go out and screw?

I hear all the kids are doing it. Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

- Yeah - says Carries father:

- Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

- Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.

- Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?

Mrs Smith replied:

- Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a tonic for me.

The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonald was in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century sporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?"

- Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model - the editor from the men's magazine explained.

- It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black.

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

- What the hell did you do that for! - he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said:

- Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once.

One day Pete was complaining to his friend:

- my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor.

His friend said:

- Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just wouldn't have sex with her anymore.

So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that:

- if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you.

So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.

She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.

Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kid said:

- My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kitty kitty...'

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was aproached by his assistant.

- Anything interesting happen over-night - asked the mortitian.

- Yes - replied the assistant:

- The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course

- What was the cause of death - enquired the mortition.

- I'm not sure - replied the assistant.

- But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!

- Are you sure? - said the Mortitian.

- Yes, come and have a look for yourself - said the assistant opening the body bag.

The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.

- That's not a prawn you stupid wanker - he responded:

- That's her clitoris

- Are you sure? - said the assisitant:

- 'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn.

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked:

- Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?

The waiter replied:

- Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.

By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented:

- Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?

The waiter replied:

- Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work.

Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands.

Saves a lot of time.

- Wait a minute - said the diner, how do you get your penis back in your pants?

- Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caught between towns during a driving snow storm.

The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finally slid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby.

They waded through the drifts to the house, and after a short conversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able to convince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in.

She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Abe and Morey learned that she was a widow of a few years standing.

Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guest room for Abe and Morey.

The next day about 10:00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfully pulled the salesmen's car our of the ditch, after cleaning the road.

Abe and Morey thanked th widow Brown and went on their rounds.

Nine months later, Abe called Morey, and asked if Morey had, by some chance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the wodow Brown's bedroom after he (Abe) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming and hawing, Morey admitted he had. With a little further prodding, he admitted that he had given the good lady Abe's name, address and phone number as his own.

Where upon Abe said:

- That explains this letter from her lawyer saying she has left her entire estate to me!