Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?
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Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard.

Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.

The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate.

- I've got some good news and some bad news - the mate said on the telephone.

- Well, give me the good news first - replied the other.

- The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins - came the reply.

- And the bad news?

- Mine died.

Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker, and he says:

- How much?

She says:

- Twenty bucks.

He says:

- All right.

They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.

She says:

- What's the extra five?

He says:

- That's for blowing the sand off my balls.

Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and gets her head stuck. The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the other, "This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and starts fucking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes.

When he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants some of it. His partner replied, "Hell yes, that looks pretty good," climbs down off his horse, drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

A man goes to a doctor and says:

- Doctor, it's embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

- Gee, what are you taking for it?

- Snuff.

The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite.

- Do you have reservations? - asked the desk clerk.

- Only one - replied the groom.

- She won't take it up the ass.

Don was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Don told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his dick. After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said:

- Look, it's ok. She's not here!

A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park.

- The witness: They were fucking, your honor.

- The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Shakespearean way?

- The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear / Until tiny sounds came to my ear / There was this couple on the ground there / and his balls were dangling in the air / and you know his what was in her you know where / If that wasn't fucking, your Honor, I wasn't there.

This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know what to do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up and says:

- Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s'pposed to take that thing you play with and put it where I pee!...

So he got his bowling ball and threw it in the outhouse!

The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her husband:

- You know, you're really a lousy lover!

Her husband replies:

- How would you know after only 30 seconds?