Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

What should you give a man who has everything?
→ Penicillin

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, he explained:

- Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!

- Now wait a minute, professor - interrupted a student.

- Castration? That's absurd!

- Yes young man, it's sadly true - replied the professor smugly.

- Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.

What's the definition of bravery?
→ A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist.

- My life is a mess, doctor - she began.

- I am so fucking hideous that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?

- Why, certainly! Helping people feel much better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now.

- Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first? - she asked.

- First things first. Just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch.

- I'm in love with my horse - the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

- Nothing to worry about - the psychiatrist consoled.

- Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to.

- But, doctor - continued the troubled patient.

- I feel, ummm... physically attracted to my horse.

- Hmmm - the doctor asked.

- Is it male or female?

- Female, of course! - the man replied.

- What do you think I am...

GAY???

A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her:

- Well, what can I do for you madam?

The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says:

- You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential.

So the patient says:

- My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?

- Sure - the doctor says.

- It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment.

The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards her, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand and a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand.

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me? - shouts the patient.

- Nothing - says the doctor.

- I'm just going to open the roof window a little.

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge" The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "how does that feel?" Young lady, "Oooh doctor that feels lovely..... ...but the discharge is from my ear!!"