Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
→ Her lipstick.

How are women like elevators?
→ Only about half go down.

What's the difference between women and men?
→ One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

The seven kinds of passionate women

1. The Optimist - "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
2. The Pessimist - "No! No! No!"
3. The Confused - "Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!"
4. The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping
5. The Sprinter - "Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!"
6. The Religious - "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"
7. The Mathematician - "More! More! More! More!"

The boy asks his dad:

- What's the difference between a 'cunt' and a 'pussy'?

The dad gets a Penthouse magazine, draws a circle around a crotch and says:

- Everything inside the circle is a 'pussy', everything outside the circle is a 'cunt'

What is the loose skin around the pussy called?
→ The woman.

What do you get if you put your hand down a psychic's pants?
→ Your palm red once a month.

The Perfect Day - Her

- 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses

- 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale

- 9:30 Light Breakfast

- 11:00 Sunbathe

- 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

- 1:45 Shopping

- 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs

- 3:00 Facial, massage, nap

- 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

- 10:00 Make love

- 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

- 6:45 Alarm.

- 7:00 Shower and massage.

- 7:30 Blowjob.

- 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.

- 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.

- 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.

- 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

- 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.

- 12:30 Blowjob.

- 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.

- 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.

- 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.

- 6:15 Blowjob.

- 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.

- 7:30 Shit, shower, shave.

- 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).

- 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero

- 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries

- 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.

- Midnight Blowjob

- Sleep

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
→ It's for the Christmas period.

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer's doors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart, he rang the bell.

- Sorry to bother you, ma'am - he said - but are you sure you want sixteen gallons of milk today?

- Oh, yes - said the lady of the house.

- I'm going to take a milk bath.

- Do you want it pasteurized?

- No, just up to my tits would be fine.