Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could:

- I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.

- So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy? - asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied:

- Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said:

- Mommy almost died this morning

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted:

- How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

- Well - mumbled Lucy, soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting:

- Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!! and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy.

In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front of him, the person turned and asked, what the hell you are doing?

- Well - said the guy massaging the back, you see I'm a chiropractor and I can't help massaging your back, in fact I can't help practicing my art

- Are you crazy? - the other guy said:

- I'm a lawyer, am I fucking the guy in front of me!

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded:

- Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news:

- I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.

The Greens pleaded with him, and said:

- You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us.

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios. . ."

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.

When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said:

- I must of been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out.

Flo looked at him and smiled:

- That usually happens when you forget to remove my pantyhose!

A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.

The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.

"No problem," said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.

The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.

Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. "Okay," he said to the guide. "Where's that Indian woman I'm supposed to wrassle!"

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth...can you make it?"

Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church.

"Hey, Joe...can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him.

"Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!".

"Joe, don't worry... I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card...find the sin...and follow it over to the appropriate penance...it's that simple...here comes the first penetant...try it!!"

So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen...

"Bless me Father... I have sinned... I have had impure thoughts." Joe looks at the list...finds "Impure Thoughts" and orders: "Say two Our Fathers, three Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more."

"Thank you, Father," replies the penetant.

Hey...this is easy!! The next one comes in. "Bless me father. I have sinned. I have fornicated."

Fornication...fornication...can't find it...oh there it is on the back.

"Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more.".

"Thank you, Father".

Then the third arrives. "Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex."

Oral sex? Oral sex? It's not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass. "Pssst... Jimmy...c'mere!! What does Father O'Brien give for Oral Sex?"

The boy replies...

"A Snickers and a Coke. Why?"

It was late one night and three guys just got done partying. So they needed to find a motel. So they find a super8 motel. They go in to the clerk and get one room because that was all that they could afford. They get to there room and there is only one bed so quickly one guy says, "I get the bed." Then another guy says, "I get the bathroom." Then the last guy says, "I guess I get the closet."

During the middle of the night the guy in the bed has to take a big ol shit. But he remembers the guy in the bathroom so he does his busness in the pillow case and throws it in the closet.

In the morning he gets up and checks on the guy in the bathroom. They both had a great night sleep. So they go and see their friend in the closet. When they asked how his night was he said:

- It was pretty good up until a white ghost jumped in and I kicked the shit out of it.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says:

- I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.

The second can't stand to be bested:

- Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today.

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?"
   Woman: "Yes, I was the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
   Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
   Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn-down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:
   Man: "Want to Dance?"
   Woman: "No, thank you."
   Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
   Woman: "It's in the phone book."
   Man: "But I don't know your name."
   Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
   Woman: "Female impersonator."
7. Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you."
   Woman: (tries to ignore him)
   Man: "You know what? I also love sex.. What do you say to that?"
   Woman: "Hmmm you really love sex and travel?"
   Man: (nods his head smiling)
   Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
8. I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
9. Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
   Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
10. What sign were you born under?
    → No Parking.
11. Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"
12. After hearing a pick-up line:
    Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
13. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
14. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
15. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once.
    When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
    He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
16. The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move.
    "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "Well is it the size of donkey or Doberman?"

A guy walks up to his friend and says:

- why do you have 'R' and 'L' on your hands?

He replies:

- So I know which is my left and which is my right.

"Oh" says the guy "Now I know why my wife has C and A written on her panties!"