Computer Jokes — worst jokes

9. E-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."
10. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
11. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.
12. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna.
13. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computers, Inc. about thier release of "CyberDog."
14. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
15. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
16. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. and the #1 Sign Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password...
17. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.

This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.

Well, one day we got a service call that said, "Cat caught in machine, come quick!"

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

And who says our controllers don't have a sense of humor?

November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints?

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

November 15, 1996 - What the...?!

PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first."

The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was?

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little too high...

- San Jose Tower: American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.

November 1, 1996 - Ouch!

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was "GIB," and stood for "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.

October 11, 1996 - What Is That Thang?

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City...

- KC Approach: Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles.

- Three-two-Charlie: We've got him. We'll follow him.

- KC Approach: Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?

- Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl) Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.

September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good!

- Tower: Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.

- Eastern 702: Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.

- Tower: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?

- Continental 635: Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.

June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said!

- O'Hare Approach Control: United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound.

- United 329: Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight.

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
→ Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.

D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class. LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book. GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together 10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average. GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you onto student A. EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work, decide against it. CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2. The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing. LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up with some real beauties: "Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory? What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer." Here are the solutions to the most common problems: P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the monitor P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy. P: "I can't get this computer to do anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer. P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY: All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION: Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: Everybody gets an A.

Finally, Serbian hackers hacked the navigation systems of "Tomahawk" missiles -- now they're called "Boomerang."

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Have you heard about the new Mechanical Whore?
→ She gives a licking and keeps on ticking.

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.

When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."