Christmas Jokes — worst jokes

What do you call three blondes on Santa's Lap??
→ Ho Ho Ho

Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?
→ He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as fast.

You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

You know you have if you...

1. Notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the macaroni salad.
8. You hear a duck quacking, and it's you.
9. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
10. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
11. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
12. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
15. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
16. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
17. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

December 25 is National Jews Go to the Movies Day! (Jon Stewart)

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Clause. Unfortunately, so did my parents, so I never got anything! (Charlie Viracola)

Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas! (Johnny Carson)

Here's a money saving tip for Christmas: Glue Ju Ju Bee on a Brick and mail it out as a fruitcake! (Julie Brown)

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Love, Santa