Business Jokes — worst jokes

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

Does DEC still make toasters...? They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Apple made toasters...

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.

If Microsoft made toasters...

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If IBM made toasters...

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently, General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement, "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car:

• Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this too.
• You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times faster, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
• The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
• The oil, gas and alternator lights would be replaced with single "general car fault" lights.
• The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
• If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

Software Engineering Glossary of Product Terminology

• NEW: Different colors from previous version.
• ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
• UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
• ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
• NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
• BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
• DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
• UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
• UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.

The Dumpty Dictionary, Version 2.0

1. Order the T-shirts for the Development team
2. Announce availability
3. Write the code
4. Write the manual
5. Hire a Product Manager
6. Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)
7. Ship
8. Test (the customers are a big help here)
9. Identify bugs as potential enhancements
10. Announce the upgrade program

Her teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," she said.

"Oh good," he said, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"