Business Jokes — worst jokes

Sign on a brake repair shop in Joliet, Illinois, "We stand in front of our work."

Sign on a muffler shop in Santa Cruz, "We're the Nobody that Midas brags about."

What is 6 inches long.....
Has a big head....
Woman love it?????
→ A $100 dollar bill!

What's the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?
→ He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!

WARNING! POOR FRED IS DEAD. DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE COME TOMOURN HIS PASSING.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton." RIP, Fred.

- Patron: Waiter!

- Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support waiter.

- Waiter: What seems to be the problem?

- Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

- Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

- Patron: No, it's still there.

- Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

- Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

- Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

- Patron: A SOUP bowl!

- Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

- Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

- Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

- Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

- Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

- Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

- Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

- Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

- Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

- Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now!

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

- Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

- Patron: This is potato soup.

- Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

- Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

- Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

• Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
• Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
• Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

• In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
• Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
• On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
• On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
• On a butcher's window, "You can beat our prices, but you can't beat our meat."
• On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
• On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
• In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
• In a Beauty Shop, "We curl up and Dye for you."
• On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
• In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
• In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.

"So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools."

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

• 10"- 12" Luxury Tax..........$30.00
• 8"- 10" Pole Tax.............$25.00
• 5"- 8" Privilege Tax.........$15.00
• 4"- 5" Nuisance Tax..........$ 3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
IRS

NOTE: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

• Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
• What if one's penis is self employed?
• Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
• Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
• Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."