Blonde Jokes — worst jokes

What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?
→ Ho-Ho-Ho!

One day this Blonde walked into her doctors office.

"Doctor, Doctor I'm having these awlful pains in my back."

"Well let me take a look."

When the doctor looked he had a look of suprise on his face.

"This is amazing."

"What is it doctor?"

"I didn't know that the new Toyotas had ribbed leather rear seating!"

What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
→ We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving

Three words to ruin a man's ego...
→ "Is it in?"

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
→ If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
→ He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
→ Nothing.

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

What's the ultimate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

How are women and tornadoes alike?
→ They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
→ Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

How does a man keep his youth?
→ By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
→ Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
→ Hair balls.

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
→ You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
→ Come in five flavors

What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
→ Crust

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
→ Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
→ If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
→ A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
→ By sticking your finger in his honey

What is the ultimate rejection?
→ When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
→ I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
→ A blow job with handle bars

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
→ A mobile sperm bank.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
→ All you can eat for under a buck.

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
→ A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
→ A cherry float.

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
→ Beat IT -we're closed.

Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
→ To find a tight seal.

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
→ Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

What's the difference between sin and shame?
→ It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
→ She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Why is air a lot like sex?
→ Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
→ He heard the snow blower coming.

Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
→ She's withholding evidence

What's the difference between light and hard?
→ You can sleep with a light on.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
→ Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
→ You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
→ Their balls are just for decoration.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
→ Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?
→ A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ He wiped his arse on a leaf.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
→ When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
→ A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
→ His wife died.

How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?
→ The cake jumps out of the girl.

How do you recycle toilet paper?
→ Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
→ Full up.

What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
→ You can eat your mums apple pie

What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones?
→ Mobile phones are for arseholes.

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?
→ Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?
→ Put a nipple on it.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.

The answer. A cockrobin.
The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.

What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
→ Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.

Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?
→ Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How is pubic hair like parsley?
→ You push it to the side before you start eating.

Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
→ Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.

What is the difference between women and computers?
→ Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.

What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night?
→ Hanson.

What has 4 legs and 8 arms?
→ A pitbull terrier in a children's play area.

Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?
→ Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
→ One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."

What's the difference between acne and a priest?
→ Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as a choir boy.

Why do tampons have strings?
→ So you can floss after eating.

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
→ At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.

What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?
→ Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.

Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
→ They both dig dead peoples holes.

What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?
→ One is a hunt on the course...........

What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?
→ If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.

What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?
→ A blood vessel.

Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?
→ Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?
→ A seagull flits along the shore.

What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?
→ A pimp.

What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
→ Michael Jackson's hand.

What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"
→ A blind person with a Rubix cube.

What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand?
→ A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.

What should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
→ Wipe it off and apologise.

Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?
→ He cant go into a cubicle alone.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
→ The sex is the same but you get the remote.

What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?
→ odour eaters.

How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?
→ Its not hard.

What should you do if your bird starts smoking?
→ Slow down, and try using Vaseline.

How do you make a dog drink?
→ Put it in the blender.

Why did god put men on earth?
→ Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
→ A pick pocket snatches watches.

What's white and clings to the wall?
→ George Michael's latest release.

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
→ You cant gargle with sand.

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks, "Santa, will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!

I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies, "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay!

I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks." He said. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping!"

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked...

"Out of what?"

A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.

While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying...

"A little more to the left...a little more to the right"

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the "blonde" employee: "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are at... VERY SLOWLY?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said...

"Burrrrrrrr, Gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"