Dirty One-Liner Riddles

What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
→ We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving

Three words to ruin a man's ego...
→ "Is it in?"

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
→ If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
→ He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
→ Nothing.

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

What's the ultimate rejection?
→ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

How are women and tornadoes alike?
→ They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
→ Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

How does a man keep his youth?
→ By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
→ Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
→ Hair balls.

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
→ You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
→ Come in five flavors

What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
→ Crust

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
→ Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
→ If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
→ A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
→ By sticking your finger in his honey

What is the ultimate rejection?
→ When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
→ I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
→ Both can smell it but can't eat it

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
→ A blow job with handle bars

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
→ A mobile sperm bank.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
→ All you can eat for under a buck.

What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
→ A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
→ A cherry float.

What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
→ Beat IT -we're closed.

Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
→ To find a tight seal.

What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
→ Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

What's the difference between sin and shame?
→ It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
→ She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Why is air a lot like sex?
→ Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
→ He heard the snow blower coming.

Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
→ She's withholding evidence

What's the difference between light and hard?
→ You can sleep with a light on.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
→ Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why is sex like a bridge game?
→ You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
→ Their balls are just for decoration.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
→ Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?
→ A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ He wiped his arse on a leaf.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
→ When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
→ A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
→ His wife died.

How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?
→ The cake jumps out of the girl.

How do you recycle toilet paper?
→ Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
→ Full up.

What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
→ You can eat your mums apple pie

What's the difference between tampons and mobile phones?
→ Mobile phones are for arseholes.

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?
→ Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?
→ Put a nipple on it.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.

The answer. A cockrobin.
The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.

What's the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
→ Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.

Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?
→ Because when you're finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How is pubic hair like parsley?
→ You push it to the side before you start eating.

Why did Elton John sing at Diana's funeral?
→ Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.

What is the difference between women and computers?
→ Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.

What's is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson's dreams at night?
→ Hanson.

What has 4 legs and 8 arms?
→ A pitbull terrier in a children's play area.

Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?
→ Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
→ One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."

What's the difference between acne and a priest?
→ Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as a choir boy.

Why do tampons have strings?
→ So you can floss after eating.

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
→ At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.

What's the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?
→ Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.

Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
→ They both dig dead peoples holes.

What's the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?
→ One is a hunt on the course...........

What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?
→ If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.

What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?
→ A blood vessel.

Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?
→ Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?
→ A seagull flits along the shore.

What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?
→ A pimp.

What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
→ Michael Jackson's hand.

What goes "CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?"
→ A blind person with a Rubix cube.

What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand?
→ A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.

What should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
→ Wipe it off and apologise.

Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?
→ He cant go into a cubicle alone.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
→ The sex is the same but you get the remote.

What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?
→ odour eaters.

How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?
→ Its not hard.

What should you do if your bird starts smoking?
→ Slow down, and try using Vaseline.

How do you make a dog drink?
→ Put it in the blender.

Why did god put men on earth?
→ Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
→ A pick pocket snatches watches.

What's white and clings to the wall?
→ George Michael's latest release.

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
→ You cant gargle with sand.