At Work — worst jokes

Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Amen.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff will try to ensure that all elephants are completely prehunted before he sees them. If the VP sees a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

YOU KNOW WHEN THE POST OFFICE IS HIRING WHEN THE FLAG OUT FRONT IS AT HALF MAST.
THE POSTAL WORKERS WANT HAZZARD PAY AND WORKERS COMP FOR SLIPPING ON SHELL CASINGS

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES

This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired."

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine. Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!" The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get the grin off her face."

A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed.

Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York.

She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "MAMA, I'm pregnant! Don't get excited. The father is my boss." She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "YOU," she shouted, "What's going to be?"

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a week." The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment.

"Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?"

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says, "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"

The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."