At Work — worst jokes

Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.

Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness. "Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer. "Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.

"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You

10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
11. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
12. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
13. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
14. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.
15. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
16. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
17. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
18. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
19. Your locker is also the broom closet!!

Prison life versus a full-time job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

British Military Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would not breed from this Officer.
• This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
• Technically sound, but socially impossible.
• This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
• This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
• In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
• The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.

He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.

He threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.

Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, "Can I help you sergeant?"

The TSGT said, "Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines."