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Computer Problem Report

Computer Problem Report Form

  1. Describe your problem:
  2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
  3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
  4. Problem Severity: A. Minor _ B. Minor _ C. Minor _ D. Trivial _
  5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up _ B. Frozen _ C. Hung _ D. Strange Smell _
  6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes _ No _
  7. Is it turned on? Yes _ No _
  8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes _ No _
  9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
  10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers. Try to fix it for you? Yes _ No _
  11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
  12. Have you read the manual? Yes _ No _
  13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe _ No _
  14. Are you absolutely you've read the manual? No __
  15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes _ No _
  16. If Yes, then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
  17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
  18. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in?
  19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes _ No _
  20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes _ What's a VCR? _
  21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies? Yes _ No _
  22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes _ No _
  23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes _ No _
  24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes _ No _
  25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes _ No _
  26. Is the machine on fire? Yes _ Not Yet _
  27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes __

Software Life Cycle

The Life Cycle of Software

  1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
  2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
  3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
  4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
  5. See 3.
  6. See 4.
  7. See 5.
  8. See 6.
  9. See 7.
  10. See 8.
  11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
  12. Users find 137 new bugs.
  13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
  14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
  15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji.
  16. Entire testing department quits.
  17. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
  18. New CEO is brought in by board of directors.
  19. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
  20. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. See step 2.

The Broken Computer

An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Buying A Kitchen Table

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

- Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

- You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

- Customer: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

- You: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

- Customer: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

- You: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

- Customer: But how do get there?

- You: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

- Customer: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

- Customer: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so COMPLICATED!

System Crash Song

SYSTEM CRASH
(to the tune of "The Monster Mash")

I was working in the lab, late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
Some smoke from our VAX began to rise
And suddenly, to my surprise...

[chorus]
(There was a crash) There was a system crash
(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash
(A system crash) It came down in a flash
(There was a crash) A fatal system crash

The lab manager then appeared from his room,
Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,
But we had one like this just the other day
Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA"

[chorus]

The system had just been booted, diagnostics had all run through,
When a power fluck made it all run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew too
So we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one night
When a VP came in and said: "hey, that's all right,
I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to do
When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you...

[chorus]

Byte Bat

From "Machine Design" Magazine......

Byte Bat

All too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat comes in.

It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers.

Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."

The Twelve Bugs Of Christmas

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

Twas The Night Before Crisis

Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.

Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.

The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.

On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.

And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!

The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.

He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.

The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!

And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"

Software Development Cycle

  1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.7. Users find 137 new bugs.8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Y2K Confusion

Dear Boss,I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?