Animal Jokes — worst jokes

A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leading a kangaroo.

- I'm worried about my husband, doctor - she said.

- He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo!

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."

What is the difference between men and pigs?
→ Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
→ Because they're all pigs.

What do you call two spiders who just got married?
→ Newlywebs.

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied:

- Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.

- Well - replied the man - she must have had a lot of friends.

- Nope - said the farmer - we all just want to buy his mule.

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes.
Finally, he states:

- That's one.

The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states:

- That's two!

He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says:

- That's three,

removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband:

- That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!

The man stares at his wife and firmly says:

- That's one!

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces:

- My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said:

- My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?

The guy says:

- Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!