Animal Jokes — worst jokes

Random joke from this category

Gorilla Chase

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur?" as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said:

- Tag! You're it!

Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver:

- I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said:

- Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Dog and Cat

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

- Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you.

- If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind.

Fishing With a Worm

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

- What are ye doing? - asked O'Bannon.

- Fishin' - said MacAndrews.

- Caught anything?

- Ach, nae a bite,

- What are ye usin' fer bait?

- Worms

- Let me see it - said O'Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

- Have ye got a bite? - asked O'Bannon.

- No! - shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, - The worm's got a salmon by the throat!

The Blind Farmer

The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor. However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward. When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man. The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back. He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.

- Aidan - said the neighbor.

- I never knew you were so strong.

- Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly.

The Friendly Pig

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

The Talking Horse

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

Cookie the Cat's Resolutions

  1. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in - and visa versa.
  2. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.
  3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I'm in a bad mood)
  4. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is...

  1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

New Year Resolutions for Pets

  1. I will not eat other animals' poop.
  2. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
  3. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  4. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  5. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
  6. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
  7. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
  8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
  9. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
  10. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
  11. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is too much.
  12. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
  13. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
    January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
  14. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

  1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND

Football-Playing Turkey

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted:

- You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.

- Forget the bonus - the turkey said.

- All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?