Animal Jokes — worst jokes

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:

- I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior.

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued:

- May I ask what the chicken did?

A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" The parrot reluctantly agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed.

"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can't shut the case. "You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case.

After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's any better!" The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck I have to see this!"

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled:

- This is great! Will I meet her at a party?

- No - says his Advisor.

- in her biology class.

A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded:

- Jump, frog, jump!

The frog jumped across the room.

The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal:

- Frog with four legs jumped eight feet.

Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered:

- Jump, frog, jump!

The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.

After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal:

- Frog with two legs jumped three feet.

Next, the biologist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted:

- Jump, frog, jump!

The frog just lay there.

- Jump, frog, jump! - the biologist repeated.

Nothing.

The biologist noted in his journal:

- Frog with no legs - lost its hearing.

Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack.

The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says:

- What in the world are you doing?

He replies:

- I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it.

The second guy says:

- Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear.

The first guy says:

- I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!

My dog is a nuisance.
He chases everyone on a bicycle.
What can I do?
→ Take his bike away.

What do you call a python with a great bedside manner?
→ A snake charmer.

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
→ Sleep in the wardrobe.

- Boy: Dad, dad, there's a spider in the bath.

- Dad: What's wrong with that? You've seen spiders before.

- Boy: Yes, but this one is three feet wide and using all the hot water!

How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?
→ It has a rattle.